On a Bit of Everything
Yesterday was March 8, 2023, and I read an article warning California about another atmospheric river about to rain down havoc on the northern part of the state. Here in Southern California, I am staring at the hills dusted in the dancing gold of poppies and contemplating how this time of year can be so easily taken for granted. This is the time of year when much of the Northern Hemisphere hold its breath waiting for winter’s icy grasp to slacken under the warming arrival of spring, but not the valleys of SoCal. Sure, our mountain tops are still encrusted in ice, but a few thousand feet below, poppies bloom and dormant plants begin to grow.
In the past, I’ve never paid enough attention to these precious last few weeks of winter, but this year I am transfixed by the world around me. Perhaps this state of wonder is the result of my absence last year, another symptom of the homesickness I pretended not to feel while I was stuck in Northern California for work. Or, perhaps like the brown hillsides around me, I am beginning to emerge from a winter of my own mind. While I traveled for work, I allowed myself to mentally check out and neglect my own hidden ambitions, but lately, I’ve been feeling the urge to wake back up and shake off my dormancy.
So far 2023 has been an endless attack of stress from nearly every direction. In my personal life, little things seem to chip away at me and leave few precious moments to decompress, and my day job, while not terrible, brings me little satisfaction and just enough money to live paycheck to paycheck (something I know is also experienced by too many of my peers). The headlines plastered all over the news sites scream about environmental disasters delivered by railway and warnings of storms threatening unimaginable destruction. As if environmental catastrophes weren’t enough, there have been whispers (or screams) of an effort to get rid of the department of education, because that’s evidently the biggest evil in the United States (insert sarcasm sign here). While part of me desperately longs to crumble under the accumulated stress and disappear into depression, I have decided that I can no longer maintain my silence.
I have tried to find contentment in the life I have been living, and yet, I still feel as if something is missing. Of course, I accept that not all of my wants and desires will come to pass, but at the very least, I believe (hope) that I can regain my voice. Truthfully, this mission terrifies me, but maybe there cannot be growth without at least some fear. I have spent too much of my life cowering in the coziness of my comfort zone, and despite briefly finding my way out, it was far too easy to fall back once times got tough. I suppose once one realizes they no longer like the person staring back out of the mirror, it is time to embrace fear, and hopefully, bloom.
