We are currently 15 days into 2020, and I am already exhausted by what life has thrown at me this year. I have been in a constant argument with my car about the necessity of it starting every time I wish to venture off into the dangers that await me on the University of California campus, and I am drowning in the sea of dust that also seems to wish to call my house home (evidently the floor won’t just sweep itself). On Saturday all of this stress lurking in my thoughts manifested as one of the worst migraines I have had in a very long time that rendered me entirely bedridden for close to 48 hours, although it was polite enough to wait until after I had taken Chewbacca to get his shots. Now I find myself assessing the events that led up to the invisible jackhammer that attempted to reshape my skull and trying to keep myself from tumbling right back down the slope that will chuck me directly back into a dark room with a cold compress on my head. The conclusion I seem to be working towards is that I need to stop being so damn hard on myself and accept that sometimes I need help, be it physical tasks that I cannot do or just someone to listen to my rambles about everything that is buzzing around in my brain.
I am using this recent realization as a weapon against my self-doubt fueled procrastination and forcing myself to sit down and get myself back on a daily schedule that will nurture my mental health. While schedules may seem boring and restrictive, I do seem to do better when I am adhering to a schedule that can not only keep me accountable but also keep consistency in my life. I tend to fall into spirals where I get mad at myself for not completing something by a specified time, then compounding on that by also being mad that I never set a schedule or set one that was unrealistic for myself. It is all too easy to expect more from myself that is actually reasonable then reject encouragement from my loved ones when they point out what I have actually accomplished, and that is not fair to myself.
By putting this admission out into the wide world of the internet, I hope that anyone else going through something similar may happen upon this and come to realize that they are not alone in this pattern. I realize that what I am experiencing is not unique to me, and it does not help when I try to compare myself to other people my age that followed very different paths to get where they are in life. Just because I am still working on my first degree and I feel a bit lost when I think about the future does not mean I am a failure, and I need to remember that when I am assessing where I am and where I would like to go. Maybe in the future, I will need to seek some sort of professional help for my mental state if I still find it hard to keep myself from spiraling back into the endless loop of self-bullying, but for now, I hope that adding a realistic structure will begin to mend my battered mind.
I hope that anyone else who finds a similarity with anything I have written here will take the time to pause and look at their accomplishments for what they are and let go of any unfair expectations they may have given themself. Remember, needing and accepting help is not a character flaw, everyone will find themself in need of help at some point in their life and there is no shame in accepting an offered hand.
